boy howdy.

i could use some southern drawl in my life right now. 

trip, anyone? 

all mankind are now your brothers.

the truth: i work in a spaceship and yesterday i saw that humanity is still really, really good.

the rest: let me back that statement train up a couple of weeks and fill you in on what has happened in this sweet life. summer ended (goodbye drooping 9-5 workdays that substitute summer for this lady!) autumn came (hello afternoon walks through orange and red!) and school started (for the last time, for a long time, forever!). (beautiful the way that life unfolds in such an uncomplicated sentance, right?) 

the classes that i had signed up for this quarter were the *yawns*bores*snoozes*droops*uninspiring kinds of classes. they were chunks of time that i would sit in a classroom. they were hours that i would feign interest. they were a waste. (i'm so sorry to anybody who loves to learn about the way that literature relates to patterns that could have at one point in time lined up with marx's ideas of systematic understanding, i'm really glad that you enjoy this. not my cup of tea.) certainly i could do it, pass, move on with my bad self. but really? that's how i'm going to live? come on, michelle, you're more in love with life than that passivity.

so i began to look into different options. i could drop out of school (let's be honest, the fact that i signed my graduation papers last week is just a big joke). i could start school over (might be fun?). i could suck it up. or  i could find a way to get credit for doing something outside of the classroom. bingo.

it dawned on me:  if the opportunity presented itself, i could find a way to do something that actually inspires me. i could do something that makes my heart beat in anticipation. i could do something worth-while. i could write. and help. and teach. i could do THAT! somehow i found the door, i had the key, and i opened that little thing right up.

i am currently interning at this incredible nonprofit organization, 826 Seattle. it lights up my life and fuels my soul. 

as i spent all of yesterday running around the city to different grocery stores, trying to get donations so that the children can have a snack when they come to after-school tutoring, i was struck with something i haven't seen in a long time: a gold-hearted humanity. i hate asking for money. i hate soliciting. it makes me uncomfortable and i am stubborn. but yesterday, as i trailed through the city, as i met managers and assistant managers and employees, i was blown away by the kindness i saw. they cared. and that, to me, is more inspiring than any class i will ever sit in.

life's going to change a lot these next couple of months. but for now, i revel in the fact that sometimes, in some child or some piece of writing or some grocery story manager, there is good in the world. all mankind, we're all brothers.

ya'll are fancy!

we got fancy. i mean-- fancy. we donned our black dresses and heels. we walked the red carpet. we ate truffle oil and lobster macaroni in a place dripped with diamond-studded peacock feathers and black-lace chandeliers. invite only. black and white apparel. yes, that kind of gala.

and then we dipped into the free stoli. and a couple dirty martinis later... we tested how many people you can fit into a photo booth, made friends with the media, and danced our way down broadway passing out peacock feathers to all.

turns out life is really fun. like, ridiculously fun.

m + a

the new house is... (how can i describe the new house in a way that will evoke calmness+excitement+enthrallment+brilliance+laughs+snuggles+drinks+cooking+shock+gasp+music+art+happiness+more+more+more all at the same time?)...magic. my cheeks hurt from smiling so much. my eyes are tired from so much fun. my fingers have a constant garlic tinge to them (so much cooking!). needless to say. it's magic.

and you know what else is magic? the flannel scarf i have on today (thanks, karine!), the pumpkin beer i drank last night, the tights i had to wear yesterday.... this autumn crispness really crisps my life up. in a good way. yes, a very good way.

xoxo. all my magic+autumn love.

oh, ps. have i mentioned? this is the view from our new home....

tee hee! <3

the move.

it's always so odd to approach the end of an era. you have been living in it for so long that it has become the normal.....you forget what it's like to move forward. but at the same time you are anticipating the future so strongly.... you forget what it's like to live in the present.

it's that melancholy nostalgia that really bites you....


this past year has been one of living alone in a beautiful gingerbread-house apartment building. it's been independent, proving to myself that "hell yes i can live alone and thrive!" it's been one of parties and plans and go-go-go-never-miss-a-beat-always-running-to-the-next-thing-because-there's-always-the-next-thing-and-no-time-to-rest-must-fit-it-all-fun (phew, that sentence exhausted me!). it has been a beautiful year, and i owe so much of that to my stunning home.

photo by Allison O'Connor: http://urbanresearch.wordpress.com/

it's odd for me to be at a loss of words about everything that this gingerbread house was to me... but i am. i don't know how to describe to you how it built me, helped me grow, helped me mature, made me wiser. i don't know how to evoke the emotions that came with that dim lighting, that stained glass, that blue floor, that clawfoot tub. i'm unsure how to convey to you the beauty of this year. it was warm. it was solitary. it was good.

photo by Allison O'Connor: http://urbanresearch.wordpress.com/

 

and thus, while i am at a loss of how to writalize (verbalize? but in writing? get it? oh god i'm sleep deprived) this place to it's fullest, i know this much: i'll carry this with me to the next era. i'll carry these things (so many things!) and this feeling and these memories and stories and moments. gingerbread house, you've been lovely, but it's time for me to go. and here i go!

because change is good. and beautiful. and exhilarating. and refreshing.

and thus, it is on to the next era. upward. onward. the forward move. i raise my glass to karina and erin and jill and emily and sophie and sean who will be my lovely roommates this year, cheers to my best friends. i raise my glass to our 3.5 story home and view and jacuzzi and balconies and fireplace and sunroom and chandelier. clink*clink*cheers*cheers!

we smile. we look around. and then we say, "this will be our year, took a long time to come."

i've got the spins.

i love when i look down at my left wrist and see the small streak of pink, that scratch still healing in its tenderness. you know the one? the day that my brother and i did a photoshoot in michigan... i defiantly fought gravity and climbed the apple tree, provoking scratches and smiles galore. that streak on my left wrist? well, it reminds me of home.

i love when i close my eyes to blink and they stay put for a full beat. you know that feeling? it is exhaustion at it's finest, begging me to prolong the blink just...as...long...as...possible. but, alas, through the heaviness of these weighed down eyelids comes the memories that make them such. why sleep when there are so many cheers to cheer, so many snuggles to snug, and so many giggles to gig? the ever-lasting blinks? well, they remind me of how happy i am.

i love when my phone battery wears itself out and withers away. certainly for one moment frustration shows his face, but frustration succumbs to more important things. it succumbs to being free of constant communication and to plans made by door-knocks. soon i am not thinking of the time or the text or the voicemail, but instead i am thinking of the present. when my phone dies? well, it helps me slow down.

i love when i eat spicy food and my lips tingle and burn. besides the fact that the taste running through my body is worth it in and of itself,  it also is so telling of how well my skin is clearing up. that burn? well, that reminds me that things are changing.

i love when i hop into mazey and after a couple of moments that daunting orange light comes on. "check engine," she screams. it is mystery so enticing-- what could it be? my guess? she's just a tired little thing from running around: airports and bellinghams and oregons galore. she must be tired. ok, my pretty lady, let's rest. when the check engine light goes on? well, it reminds me of where i've been.

sometimes you just a new spin on things.

<3

le petit été

it's the first day of summer.

it's fifty degrees.

it's the first day of summer school.

oui monsieur!

<3

tula.

to my travel buddy. to my giggle buddy. to my adventure buddy. to my personal weather man. to somebody who helps me see the world through ever-inspired eyes. to a dreamer and a changer and a transformer and a man of wisdom and knowledge. to a kid at heart. to someone who taught me to take the world by the hand and dance with it. to rice and raisins. to "well b's and g's." to cowboy songs. toby keith. sunday popcorn. apple fights. ROCKS. (to stealing rocks from places all over the world. shhhhh.) to somebody who inspires knowledge and craves learning. to nine fingers and clubbed thumbs. to traveling abroad. to a role-model and an unabashed life-lover.

to my dear papi-tula.

cheers to you on this father's day. i love you so.

sans int.

my internetability is limited to a few minutes these days. it's limited to the few minutes i'm at my friend's houses, to the few minutes i sit and sip coffee down the street, to a very few minutes.

i gots no internets at home!

(so sorry for the anti-updates.)

michigan.

when your sissy is home and your days are full and you're sick of school and you need a break.....

you just want to go home.

it's real?

we prance around street fairs.

we listen to family bands sing "wagon wheel."we cry.

we eat cheese.

we eat cheese cake.

we buy coolbars and surprise friends on balconies.

we barbeque in the sun.

we sing dolly and mariah and hall & oates.

we dance dance dance dance dance.

we dress up for masquerades in sequined barets and sun-hats and heart-glasses and fur hats and fur coats. we take pictures in the streets.

we a-bar.

we dance on rooftops and talk about family.

we are alive. alive. alive. alive. 

dear weekends like these,

please don't ever end. 

i love you.

-m

when squirrels enter.

got home last night from a party to a kitchen full of broken dishes.

"i think something was here?" oh well-- leave it for the morning light, leave it for tomorrow.

and with tomorrow now today, and with my lil' head resting for a nap, i hear a crash. a boom. a crush. a bang bang bang. up i jump (disturbed my nap!) in i run (it's a really long way from the bedroom to the kitch, ya know?) ready to attack.

and there he stands.

a squirrel. wreaking havoc on my life.

that bastard.

f-r-e-e-d-o-m

to repeat last post, i cannot wait for summertime clothes.

(they are going to look very very french indeed.)

t-minus five.

this week: spelling bees and cinco de mayo barbecues and fiestas and slow dances and kate nash concerts.

next week: CRAVE events and friend's concerts and street fairs.

the week after: relay for life and sister's birthdays.

the next: visits to bellingham visits to darling anne and robert campbell, those newly engaged lovebirds.

and just two little weeks after that: SUMMER.

It doesn't really matter, I'll go where you feel
Hunt for the breeze, get a midnight meal
I point in the windows, you point out the parks
Rip off your sleeves and I'll ditch my socks
 

We'll dance to the songs from the cars as they pass
Weave through the cardboard, smell that trash
Walking around in our summertime clothes,
Nowhere to go while our bodies glow
And we'll greet the dawn in its morning blues
With purple yawn, you'll be sleeping soon
 

And I want to walk around with you

she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes (and repeat).

i'm playing* my banjo again.

*let's use this word liberally, ok? i pluck a few strings and get too excited to ever really learn anything because that twang just makes my heart pitter. 

the facebook cleanse.

i'm slightly ashamed to be writing this post. after all, i never thought that the necessity of admitting what i am about to admit would be a part of my life. i'm independent i'm in control i'm fun and classy and adventurous and honest and loving and private and confident....and i'm all of those things alone. i need no assurance. no reassurance. no steadfast appraisal. i need no "hell ya, little lady!" just me. ......but here i am, dumbfounded in the realization that i made the other day, stunned by the course my life had taken, and wallowing in the questions of "....or am i?" "...or do i?...."

this past weekend my eyes were opened to the fact that my facebook usage was getting out of hand.

really? me?

i'm not quite sure what to pin-point this unfortunate realization to....

perhaps it was the presumptuous necessity of filling my time. with an office job where very little is requested of me, it seems as though my fingers became proficient in the "refresh" button. with nothing else to do, this social network filled my time. check. get coffee. check. talk to erin. check. read email. check. and repeat.

perhaps it was the undeniable need to reward small tasks. you know, the "yes! i finished four pages of reading! i wonder what's happening in the online world!" rewarded for finishing four pages of reading? really?! im in college for god's sake.

perhaps it was the desire to always be busy, to feel the buzz, to know what's happening and what's happened and who is with who and who saw who and who knows who and who who who who who. the new laypersons gossip has replaced the celebrity hot topics. proud? nope.

perhaps it was the unfortunate fixation with the unanswered questions. those emotion-ridden questions that we are all too proud or too scared to ask. the ones of "but where did you go?" or "what in the world happened?" the questions that perhaps will always linger. the questions that you convince yourself will be answered if you just go online just one more time. proud? oh helllllll no.

or perhaps it was the need to constantly document witty remarks, inside jokes, hilarious banter between friends. (i'm actually sticking to this one, it's fun.) or to get ideas. or to give ideas. or to connect people. or to catch up with people. or to see pictures. or to chat. or to..... bullshit......

whatever the reason.....

i woke up this past sunday morning and began the normal morning routine: turn the alarm off, peek my eyes open to the waiting world, sigh a little "hello day" sigh, peel back the covers, roll over to the edge of the bed, reach down to the floor,  open the computer. oh. no. oh. no. oh hell hell no. this? routine? wake up. first thing. before you even TALK and check out the online world? not on my watch!

i caught myself. mid-act. my sanity walked in on my actions. there i was, hands up, jaw-dropped, about to check in on the "comments "posts" "likes" "requests" "what-have-yous" that are now part of our vocabulary. i was caught. i was haulted. and thank all there is to thank for that.

i want who i am to be who i am. i want what i say to be what i say. i want to be genuine. to be real. to be reachable and honest and true and imaginative and right and thoughtful and understood. to be full of the future and full of the present and full of the past.

so of course i won't cut this network out of my life (it ties me to too many friends and family and hilarious wit and banter and jokes that it is far too lovely to erase). i am grateful for the connection that it brings me with so many (especially in this vastly traveled world). but when i am caught in the all-enticing grasp that it seems to send out luring me in, when i have this sunday morning realization, i've just gotta take some time off for me.

i want to be contagiously alive with the vibrancy of life. contagiously alive. with real life. 

(can i quote macy gray here? is that appropriate? oh i do believe it is.) :) 

get up, get out 

and do somethin'

don't let the days of your life pass you by

you got to get up, get out

and do somethin'

how will you make it if you never even try? 

get up, get out

and do somethin'

can't spend your whole life tryin' to get high

you got to get up, get out

and do somethin'

'cause you and i have to do

for you and i 

mayday!

april showers bring may....

hats and scarves and peacoats and rain.....??

......wait a second.....

strawberry + rhubarb

baby, don't you cry

gonna make a pie

gonna make a pie with a heart in the middle

baby, don't be blue

gonna make for you 

gonna make a pie with a heart in the middle

gonna be sent from heaven above

gonna be filled with strawberry love

baby, don't you cry

gonna make a pie

and hold you forever in the middle of my heart. 

there is good in the world.

the truth is, that goodness still exists. astoundingly.

i am reminded of this as i attend concerts where mexican musicians gush over life's beauty, love's strength, and family's brilliance. they close their eyes and tears stream down their faces. they dance. they dance. they dance. their feet banging on la tarima in that rhythmic pulse-- one, two, ten, thirty of them all together on stage. oh, this goodness is strong.

i am reminded of this as i see a woman holding a blind man's hand across the street. she leaves him, continuing on her sunny-day run, and i pick up where she left off. his name is ken. his day is good. he is going to take the bus. let's take it together.

i am reminded of this as i listen to political debates and see the fire of "we need a just world" blazing in my beautiful friend's eyes. school and finances and youth don't stand in our way.

i am reminded of this as i listen to people laugh [oh how i love listening to people laugh]. their eyes squint in the brightness of the coming sun, their cheeks are red in the pain of too much laughter, their feet strolling in sync with their partners in crime [oh how i love listening to people laugh].

these days, the resounding goodness of humanity is really pushing me along.....

let's grow kindness in our hearts for all the strangers among us, 'till there are no strangers anymore.

life's direction.

i hope:

that i never have a collection of "work slacks."

that i never have email access on my cell phone.

that i never need to use a bluetooth for the purpose of multitasking.



but most of all....

i hope that i am never ever bored.

(so far so good.)