f-r-e-e-d-o-m

to repeat last post, i cannot wait for summertime clothes.

(they are going to look very very french indeed.)

t-minus five.

this week: spelling bees and cinco de mayo barbecues and fiestas and slow dances and kate nash concerts.

next week: CRAVE events and friend's concerts and street fairs.

the week after: relay for life and sister's birthdays.

the next: visits to bellingham visits to darling anne and robert campbell, those newly engaged lovebirds.

and just two little weeks after that: SUMMER.

It doesn't really matter, I'll go where you feel
Hunt for the breeze, get a midnight meal
I point in the windows, you point out the parks
Rip off your sleeves and I'll ditch my socks
 

We'll dance to the songs from the cars as they pass
Weave through the cardboard, smell that trash
Walking around in our summertime clothes,
Nowhere to go while our bodies glow
And we'll greet the dawn in its morning blues
With purple yawn, you'll be sleeping soon
 

And I want to walk around with you

she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes (and repeat).

i'm playing* my banjo again.

*let's use this word liberally, ok? i pluck a few strings and get too excited to ever really learn anything because that twang just makes my heart pitter. 

the facebook cleanse.

i'm slightly ashamed to be writing this post. after all, i never thought that the necessity of admitting what i am about to admit would be a part of my life. i'm independent i'm in control i'm fun and classy and adventurous and honest and loving and private and confident....and i'm all of those things alone. i need no assurance. no reassurance. no steadfast appraisal. i need no "hell ya, little lady!" just me. ......but here i am, dumbfounded in the realization that i made the other day, stunned by the course my life had taken, and wallowing in the questions of "....or am i?" "...or do i?...."

this past weekend my eyes were opened to the fact that my facebook usage was getting out of hand.

really? me?

i'm not quite sure what to pin-point this unfortunate realization to....

perhaps it was the presumptuous necessity of filling my time. with an office job where very little is requested of me, it seems as though my fingers became proficient in the "refresh" button. with nothing else to do, this social network filled my time. check. get coffee. check. talk to erin. check. read email. check. and repeat.

perhaps it was the undeniable need to reward small tasks. you know, the "yes! i finished four pages of reading! i wonder what's happening in the online world!" rewarded for finishing four pages of reading? really?! im in college for god's sake.

perhaps it was the desire to always be busy, to feel the buzz, to know what's happening and what's happened and who is with who and who saw who and who knows who and who who who who who. the new laypersons gossip has replaced the celebrity hot topics. proud? nope.

perhaps it was the unfortunate fixation with the unanswered questions. those emotion-ridden questions that we are all too proud or too scared to ask. the ones of "but where did you go?" or "what in the world happened?" the questions that perhaps will always linger. the questions that you convince yourself will be answered if you just go online just one more time. proud? oh helllllll no.

or perhaps it was the need to constantly document witty remarks, inside jokes, hilarious banter between friends. (i'm actually sticking to this one, it's fun.) or to get ideas. or to give ideas. or to connect people. or to catch up with people. or to see pictures. or to chat. or to..... bullshit......

whatever the reason.....

i woke up this past sunday morning and began the normal morning routine: turn the alarm off, peek my eyes open to the waiting world, sigh a little "hello day" sigh, peel back the covers, roll over to the edge of the bed, reach down to the floor,  open the computer. oh. no. oh. no. oh hell hell no. this? routine? wake up. first thing. before you even TALK and check out the online world? not on my watch!

i caught myself. mid-act. my sanity walked in on my actions. there i was, hands up, jaw-dropped, about to check in on the "comments "posts" "likes" "requests" "what-have-yous" that are now part of our vocabulary. i was caught. i was haulted. and thank all there is to thank for that.

i want who i am to be who i am. i want what i say to be what i say. i want to be genuine. to be real. to be reachable and honest and true and imaginative and right and thoughtful and understood. to be full of the future and full of the present and full of the past.

so of course i won't cut this network out of my life (it ties me to too many friends and family and hilarious wit and banter and jokes that it is far too lovely to erase). i am grateful for the connection that it brings me with so many (especially in this vastly traveled world). but when i am caught in the all-enticing grasp that it seems to send out luring me in, when i have this sunday morning realization, i've just gotta take some time off for me.

i want to be contagiously alive with the vibrancy of life. contagiously alive. with real life. 

(can i quote macy gray here? is that appropriate? oh i do believe it is.) :) 

get up, get out 

and do somethin'

don't let the days of your life pass you by

you got to get up, get out

and do somethin'

how will you make it if you never even try? 

get up, get out

and do somethin'

can't spend your whole life tryin' to get high

you got to get up, get out

and do somethin'

'cause you and i have to do

for you and i 

mayday!

april showers bring may....

hats and scarves and peacoats and rain.....??

......wait a second.....

strawberry + rhubarb

baby, don't you cry

gonna make a pie

gonna make a pie with a heart in the middle

baby, don't be blue

gonna make for you 

gonna make a pie with a heart in the middle

gonna be sent from heaven above

gonna be filled with strawberry love

baby, don't you cry

gonna make a pie

and hold you forever in the middle of my heart. 

there is good in the world.

the truth is, that goodness still exists. astoundingly.

i am reminded of this as i attend concerts where mexican musicians gush over life's beauty, love's strength, and family's brilliance. they close their eyes and tears stream down their faces. they dance. they dance. they dance. their feet banging on la tarima in that rhythmic pulse-- one, two, ten, thirty of them all together on stage. oh, this goodness is strong.

i am reminded of this as i see a woman holding a blind man's hand across the street. she leaves him, continuing on her sunny-day run, and i pick up where she left off. his name is ken. his day is good. he is going to take the bus. let's take it together.

i am reminded of this as i listen to political debates and see the fire of "we need a just world" blazing in my beautiful friend's eyes. school and finances and youth don't stand in our way.

i am reminded of this as i listen to people laugh [oh how i love listening to people laugh]. their eyes squint in the brightness of the coming sun, their cheeks are red in the pain of too much laughter, their feet strolling in sync with their partners in crime [oh how i love listening to people laugh].

these days, the resounding goodness of humanity is really pushing me along.....

let's grow kindness in our hearts for all the strangers among us, 'till there are no strangers anymore.

life's direction.

i hope:

that i never have a collection of "work slacks."

that i never have email access on my cell phone.

that i never need to use a bluetooth for the purpose of multitasking.



but most of all....

i hope that i am never ever bored.

(so far so good.)

i was a dancer all along.

one, two, three, dream.

sometimes all i want to do is sing. 
throw my banjo over my knee and strum the days away. close these green eyes of mine and let the melodies fall upon themselves in the most rhythmic folds. they'll listen, little one. they will. 

sometimes all i want to do is bake.
this week my beautiful friend dawn gifted me three old fashioned pie plates; they are thick and metal and textured with names of old chicago pie companies on the bottom. they are beautiful. and are begging to be filled. they beg to be covered in the chilled crusts and slightly sweetened cherry cherry boom boom filling. yes. sometimes all i want to do is don one of my many aprons and bake bake bake the days away. 


and sometimes all i (don't) want to do is learn about the functioning sexuality of humans.
a slightly annoying desire has entered my field of dreams as i think about my future. michelle debruyn, sex therapist. (haha.) certainly this wish is a budding one, small in the shadows of music and baking, tiny in the way that my days seem to pass. but if it is true that one should do what they love, or do what they find most fascinating, then this new "all i want to do" might be apropos. in reality, it might just be the fact that i love saying to my best friends "DID YOU KNOW......?!" with all excitement and enthusiasm expanding their graduated minds into this odd world i live in right now. perhaps that's it, just spreadin' the knowledge. but maybe this dream is true. because i would love to describe to you the unusual practices that exist in the world, the anatomy of reproduction, accessory structures, the involvement of the various nervous systems in the process, the phases of bodily response, the disorders, transmitted infections and diseases, unconventional and conventional practices, flow of hormones, and so on and so forth. or maybe my slight obsession with this stems from the fact that in t-minus four hours i have an exam on this shtuff. cross your fing-fings.

for today i'll let myself be a dreamer.
today i'll soak up the sun that peaks its way through these april clouds.

and tonight i'll don my cowboy boots and drip myself in diamonds.

because (musician or baker or other) that's just the kind of lady i am.