the facebook cleanse.

i'm slightly ashamed to be writing this post. after all, i never thought that the necessity of admitting what i am about to admit would be a part of my life. i'm independent i'm in control i'm fun and classy and adventurous and honest and loving and private and confident....and i'm all of those things alone. i need no assurance. no reassurance. no steadfast appraisal. i need no "hell ya, little lady!" just me. ......but here i am, dumbfounded in the realization that i made the other day, stunned by the course my life had taken, and wallowing in the questions of "....or am i?" "...or do i?...."

this past weekend my eyes were opened to the fact that my facebook usage was getting out of hand.

really? me?

i'm not quite sure what to pin-point this unfortunate realization to....

perhaps it was the presumptuous necessity of filling my time. with an office job where very little is requested of me, it seems as though my fingers became proficient in the "refresh" button. with nothing else to do, this social network filled my time. check. get coffee. check. talk to erin. check. read email. check. and repeat.

perhaps it was the undeniable need to reward small tasks. you know, the "yes! i finished four pages of reading! i wonder what's happening in the online world!" rewarded for finishing four pages of reading? really?! im in college for god's sake.

perhaps it was the desire to always be busy, to feel the buzz, to know what's happening and what's happened and who is with who and who saw who and who knows who and who who who who who. the new laypersons gossip has replaced the celebrity hot topics. proud? nope.

perhaps it was the unfortunate fixation with the unanswered questions. those emotion-ridden questions that we are all too proud or too scared to ask. the ones of "but where did you go?" or "what in the world happened?" the questions that perhaps will always linger. the questions that you convince yourself will be answered if you just go online just one more time. proud? oh helllllll no.

or perhaps it was the need to constantly document witty remarks, inside jokes, hilarious banter between friends. (i'm actually sticking to this one, it's fun.) or to get ideas. or to give ideas. or to connect people. or to catch up with people. or to see pictures. or to chat. or to..... bullshit......

whatever the reason.....

i woke up this past sunday morning and began the normal morning routine: turn the alarm off, peek my eyes open to the waiting world, sigh a little "hello day" sigh, peel back the covers, roll over to the edge of the bed, reach down to the floor,  open the computer. oh. no. oh. no. oh hell hell no. this? routine? wake up. first thing. before you even TALK and check out the online world? not on my watch!

i caught myself. mid-act. my sanity walked in on my actions. there i was, hands up, jaw-dropped, about to check in on the "comments "posts" "likes" "requests" "what-have-yous" that are now part of our vocabulary. i was caught. i was haulted. and thank all there is to thank for that.

i want who i am to be who i am. i want what i say to be what i say. i want to be genuine. to be real. to be reachable and honest and true and imaginative and right and thoughtful and understood. to be full of the future and full of the present and full of the past.

so of course i won't cut this network out of my life (it ties me to too many friends and family and hilarious wit and banter and jokes that it is far too lovely to erase). i am grateful for the connection that it brings me with so many (especially in this vastly traveled world). but when i am caught in the all-enticing grasp that it seems to send out luring me in, when i have this sunday morning realization, i've just gotta take some time off for me.

i want to be contagiously alive with the vibrancy of life. contagiously alive. with real life. 

(can i quote macy gray here? is that appropriate? oh i do believe it is.) :) 

get up, get out 

and do somethin'

don't let the days of your life pass you by

you got to get up, get out

and do somethin'

how will you make it if you never even try? 

get up, get out

and do somethin'

can't spend your whole life tryin' to get high

you got to get up, get out

and do somethin'

'cause you and i have to do

for you and i